dreams and visions

I've been having a series of very vivid dreams over the past few weeks.

It all started with a dream I had about having lunch with a very notable person. The specifics of the dream are not that important really, it's more that I could taste how amazing this food was in my dream. I remember thinking, "this is the most amazing tasting food I've ever had in my life." The conversation between my dinner guest and I was pleasant. I was sad that it ended.

The next dream was just a few days ago. I was with a friend in their home getting ready for a party of some sort. We were dressing up and getting ready for a wonderful evening. I remember at some point in the dream looking over at her collection of eye makeup and thinking, "my gosh, I've never seen such beautiful shades of purple." I was so amazed at how beautiful the colors sparkled and remained in my memory.

The last dream was early this morning. I wish I could remember who all was there. I know it was family members... Laura, Keith, my Dad. I don't think my Mom was there. We were all sitting around the living room chatting and having a good time when someone suggested we watch a home movie. I sat back as the movie was put in and before I knew it, we where watching a home movie about me. It was a movie someone had taken of me what I was maybe 5 or 6. All I remember about the story is that I was being interviewed for some reason and I just kept saying silly things. All of us that where watching this tape where laughing at how silly this little girls is. I remember thinking, "What a joy this little girl is. I can't believe that it's actually me." The other part of the dream that was so vivid was that while I was being interviewed I kept playing with this beautiful pink feather. I don't know... it was strange and wonderful at the same time.

I don't always know if our dreams are supposed to mean something. I'd like to think they do. I would like to think it is God's way of communicating with me while I'm in my most receiving state. Or maybe my dreams are just a product of the sushi I ate last night?

I wish to visit that little girl with the pink feather in my dreams again. She filled me with happiness and made me feel hopeful.

2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 lefts do

What today made me realize that I truly am a poet, a writer? Why today and not any other day? Today I was in the presence of true poets; speaking and orating about the things of their heart. Letting words flow in rhythms that stirred me. One commented that she carried her notebook everywhere she goes and in an instant, I identified. I thought, "My notebook hasn't left my side since the day I bought it." While I sat in rapt attention I began to think about what I would want to say if the stage was mine. Words, emotions, dreams, and fears flooded my mind. I pictured how I would deliver my message and to whom. In one very small moment I knew that I had something to share.

"If you have ears to hear..."

Earlier in the day I sat at the intersection of 21st and Pacific Avenue waiting in the left lane to turn. I kind of let my mind go soft for a moment, blankly staring at the car before me. I listened to my turn signal sound in perfect rhythm, "click, click, click, click." I was watching the blinking light of the signal in front of me, "click, click, click, click." They were perfectly syncopated. I listened and watched, waiting for them to fall out of unison but they never did. This experience was my blue moon. We both turned the corner and I felt a sense of kinship with that car. For those brief few seconds, we were one.

I've been waiting to experience that moment in my own life; when things are clicking together in perfect unison; when you know that things are going to be okay and make sense. I've been waiting for that euphoric sense of satisfaction when the longings of my heart are made known and fulfilled.

Tonight, right now as I type, there still is no unison. Something is just a little bit off in one area or another. I have faith for it, I know it will happen because, "He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it."

But until then I will keep my notebook close and I will write.

As plain as the face on my nose

Am I right? We all knew the face of the lunch lady who dutifully served warm nutritious meals day after day that fueled our young minds to learn, grow, and be all that we could be.

Yeah right, who am I kidding? She was the keeper of pizza and chocolate milk on Fridays, the Turkey gravy with mashed potatoes on Tuesday, and if you forgot lunch money, she had the emergency lunch that consisted of a peanut butter sandwich and a carton of plain milk. Do you remember those yummy chocolate cookie type things you sometimes got called fudge gems? Those were the best!

To me eating a school lunch wasn't a sign of my mom's neglect to pack a lunch. School lunch was always a special treat. I always felt so smug and superior as I was eating my fish and fries while the others at my table had a cold sandwich and some carrots.

Every year when I sit down to an amazing Thanksgiving dinner my mind always wanders back to those hard plastic trays with the compartments that kept your corn from touching your gingersnap cookie; your apples slices and milk happily segregated. As I mix my turkey and gravy, stuffing and corn together and put it on top of my mashed potatoes, I remember how that first bite tasted while I was sitting at the awkward lunch tables. So creamy and delicious!

All of this leads me to think about when I might host the family Thanksgiving meal at my house. It's a great responsibility to host such an important event. It requires planning ahead, purchasing the best food, and preparing your home. My mom always seems to do it with such grace. Sure, there have been the rare occasions that something goes awry and frazzles her nerves, but by-and-large she can pull of a meal of epic proportions without even breaking a sweat.

Me? I'm not sure I could do the same.

But my point is this: every part of the meal had to be planned for. This big, beautiful, delicious meal doesn't just happen to fall onto the table from no where, no. You purchase special ingredient, take extra time, use a secret family recipe, bring out Grandma's china plates. Cooking the meal itself takes hours upon hours to get everything just right. Why do we go to such trouble? Because it's special, it's significant, it will be a time when family memories are made and passed down.

And then it hit me; right there in front of me. That is what this season of my life is. It's a time of preparation, of planning, of gathering just the right ingredients and mixing them in the proper way. Of setting the oven to the right temperature, and using the special table linens. If my life is going to be the delicious, memorable meal I want it to be, it's going to take time to get everything just right. And only after all of the hard work has been done will the guests arrive and take their place at my table all the while making memories that will be passed down.

Kevlar

Trust is a funny thing.

I've always said that I'm not good at playing games. Whether it's sports, cards, or board games, I always find myself in a frenzy to win. Some games I am good at, rummy and poker. Other games I struggle to put points on the board, chess and volleyball. Win or lose, the cost is always small. Pride, a small monetary wager, a temporary title of victor. These are manageable and often don't cost the player much. There are rules to follow when playing any game and it can be promised that if all players adhere to these rules there will be a winner. The winner might not be you, but someone will come out victorious.

I've always wanted to be a better guitar player than I am. I really do want to but I am unwilling to practice. Why? Because it makes my fingers hurt, I cringe at the sound of notes and chords that are out of place. The pain of practicing keeps me from pursuing what I want. Maybe I am weak willed. But what is the worst thing that could happen? I would be in my house making a fool of myself and that would be it. No one would have to hear it, just me and my own frustration. It would be a small price to pay, right?

And then it comes to playing the game of love. It is a game, after all. You have to say the right things at the right times lest you appear needy or desperate. You always must look your best to keep the eye of the other. And even though the rules are vast and confusing, adhering to them doesn't necessarily guarantee you (or the other player) victory. But we still play. We lay it all out on the line. Our most precious wager is our heart.

And then, for a time, it becomes a time of either bluffing or believing.

If you've ever played cards with me, you know that I'm not good at bluffing. As soon as I've got a good hand, it's all over my face. I get a little smirk on my face and my eyes twinkle. I'm so easy to read.

I can't read your face. I don't know if you are bluffing.


I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff... everything could change. I could plunge to my death or the wind could pick me up and I could soar.

synonym

today my heart is full
it's a strange and
wonderful feeling
i am slow to attribute it
to a four letter
word

somehow someway it all
aligned
though i can't predict my
future
i can hope for it
and dream

the verse and chorus
have been written
a bridge to cross
to the other side
and now the crescendo
the build up
swelling music
a swelling heart
a rhythm and beat

the volume grows
the intensity
a quickening pulse

it has all been
leading
up to this

my song in all
of it's beauty
glory
splendor
passion
brilliance

i am because
you
are

Please read all instructions before attempting to operate machinery

I'm not even ashamed to admit that I signed up for eHarmony a few days ago. After I met with my doctor she gave me some practical advice on a few areas of my life that I might want to pay attention to. One of those areas was companionship. Maybe most of you that know me wouldn't think that I *need* a companion and, well mostly I would agree with you. I mostly am comfortable with my own company and often I don't feel the need for someone to entertain me. She said it didn't necessarily have to be a romantic relationship and that I didn't necessarily have to find companionship in a person. Meaning, a pet of some sort. I've been thinking on it for a few days and I think I just might agree with her.

There is something about having a living, breathing, person (or sometimes a pet) by your side when you are trying to shoulder life's burdens. It may not mean there are many words spoken or a portion of your burden is being carried by another. There is just something about having that support.

And for those of us who have a faith and belief in God, this need can sometimes be confusing. I've been told things like, "Jesus is closer than a brother." and that God will "never leave you or forsake you." And I believe those things with my whole heart, honestly, I do. But what about those nights when the sun has set on your emotions and things are looking bleak? When it would mean the world just to have someone to just hold your hand? These are the times when I struggle with my faith in God. Not because I cease to believe in His exhistence, but because sometimes I just need God to have some skin on. If there isn't a person who plays that role in my life, I need that role to be filled by God. But He already came to earth and dwelt among us once... and well, we weren't very nice.

So the lonelyness sometimes takes up residence. When it would come knocking on my door, I typically found myself swinging the door wide open and inviting that lonelyness to stay for a while and maybe have a cup of tea.

Oh but yesterday... I decided instead of welcoming and unwelcomed visitor that I would be pro-active and take a step. This is where eHarmony came in. I found plenty of reasons why not to sign up but none of those reasons stuck.

And I took a really long questionnaire with lots of questions that made me think very honestly about my real self... And yes, one of the by-products of going through all of this trouble is the possibility of finding some type of match for my personality. If it happens, that'll be nice. If it doesn't, I know I did my part and the rest is up to God.

But the BEST part about all of this... oh I love this stuff SO much... I got a 5 page personality report! Here it is, it's a little bit long so read it if you dare! I totally love this stuff. I eat it up like... well, like something really delicious...

A General Description of How You Interact with Others (Agreeableness)

"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.

There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!

Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.

You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences (Openness)

You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.

You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

A General Description of Your Reactivity (Emotional Stability)

In some ways, you've got the best of emotional worlds. When emotions rise up from inside you or are brought forth from a conversation by a friend, you know how to engage them. You deal with sadness, fear, joy, anger - whatever comes up - in ways that are perceptive and flexible. You can adapt to whatever level of emotion is appropriate to the moment. At other times, you are able to cope with your emotions in a more reserved manner. Because you are aware of what does and does not make emotional sense in a particular situation, you will decide when it is an appropriate time to express your emotions and when it would be best to keep them to yourself.

All of this gives you a rich emotional life. You are free to express your passions about certain subjects with appropriate people. But you are also emotionally adaptable; if the conversation needs to be more cerebral, you'll keep it "in your head" and talk calmly through whatever issue is on the table. This emotional awareness serves you well. You seldom get in over your head, either by opening up to the wrong person or by triggering in someone else's emotions they may not be able to deal with.

And last but not least...

A General Description of How You Interact with Others (Conscientiousness)

When there's a job to be done, like most people you want to know what the goal is and when it's to be completed. For you, that's a start. Next you want to know what the plan is to get to the goal. So you lay out a plan, or at least the major points of a plan: "Organize the kitchen sometime this spring" or "Get the project at work done as soon as possible." You don't need an in-depth specification of every little detail; in fact you prefer not to work that way. You lay out your goals, develop a general plan, and then you get things done.

You believe in intuition as well as organization. As such, you trust impulses as much as strategies and you value spontaneity as much as you do efficiency. In a word, you like to keep it flexible. When you set out to accomplish a task, you prefer to have some room to maneuver. Like an artist, you find that the best way to reach a goal is not always in a straight line. Some of the most productive times for you are the unplanned moments of inspiration and creativity that just come to you. While you do keep to a general plan, those times of pure vision and originality are what really drive you.

Some of the people who rely completely on an organized approach to getting things done may be surprised at your efficiency. But there is a definite method to your approach. With a creative flair that others may not have anticipated, the original plan gets met and there are often a few extra

accomplishments along the way. Your comfort zone starts with a task and a plan but it also requires the freedom to be able to go with your instincts and impulses so that you can not just accomplish the task, you also have the option to explore something brand new along the way.

(untitled)

and i just can't seem to rectify
in my mind
what i did that was so wrong

my arms wrapped around you
and i buried
my face into your neck

i love you

but you didn't say it back
your silence
like venom in my heart

and it paralyzed me

for 33 years you have been sitting
unable to move
freely your limbs, freely your heart

i can't be mad at you for
the state you're in
it's apathy and it's consumed you

but what happened? you just stopped trying. at some point it didn't matter anymore. you accepted the cards dealt you. why didn't you fight for me? why didn't you fight for us?

i can't be mad at you.

but i am mad at you.

i needed you. we needed you. i still need you. you just stopped fighting and drank it all away. you washed it all down with a venom that paralyzed you.

i'm sitting here in this chair, my emotions paralyzed. hot tears, cold feet.

i feel regret. things left unsaid. words spoken harshly.

but the difference between you and i, the difference is that i am fighting. fighting for my life and yours.

i am fighting for the one
that will bury their head
in my neck and tell me
they love me

i was given as a gift to you but i just don't know that you saw it that way.