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I'm not even ashamed to admit that I signed up for eHarmony a few days ago. After I met with my doctor she gave me some practical advice on a few areas of my life that I might want to pay attention to. One of those areas was companionship. Maybe most of you that know me wouldn't think that I *need* a companion and, well mostly I would agree with you. I mostly am comfortable with my own company and often I don't feel the need for someone to entertain me. She said it didn't necessarily have to be a romantic relationship and that I didn't necessarily have to find companionship in a person. Meaning, a pet of some sort. I've been thinking on it for a few days and I think I just might agree with her.

There is something about having a living, breathing, person (or sometimes a pet) by your side when you are trying to shoulder life's burdens. It may not mean there are many words spoken or a portion of your burden is being carried by another. There is just something about having that support.

And for those of us who have a faith and belief in God, this need can sometimes be confusing. I've been told things like, "Jesus is closer than a brother." and that God will "never leave you or forsake you." And I believe those things with my whole heart, honestly, I do. But what about those nights when the sun has set on your emotions and things are looking bleak? When it would mean the world just to have someone to just hold your hand? These are the times when I struggle with my faith in God. Not because I cease to believe in His exhistence, but because sometimes I just need God to have some skin on. If there isn't a person who plays that role in my life, I need that role to be filled by God. But He already came to earth and dwelt among us once... and well, we weren't very nice.

So the lonelyness sometimes takes up residence. When it would come knocking on my door, I typically found myself swinging the door wide open and inviting that lonelyness to stay for a while and maybe have a cup of tea.

Oh but yesterday... I decided instead of welcoming and unwelcomed visitor that I would be pro-active and take a step. This is where eHarmony came in. I found plenty of reasons why not to sign up but none of those reasons stuck.

And I took a really long questionnaire with lots of questions that made me think very honestly about my real self... And yes, one of the by-products of going through all of this trouble is the possibility of finding some type of match for my personality. If it happens, that'll be nice. If it doesn't, I know I did my part and the rest is up to God.

But the BEST part about all of this... oh I love this stuff SO much... I got a 5 page personality report! Here it is, it's a little bit long so read it if you dare! I totally love this stuff. I eat it up like... well, like something really delicious...

A General Description of How You Interact with Others (Agreeableness)

"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.

There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!

Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.

You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences (Openness)

You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.

You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

A General Description of Your Reactivity (Emotional Stability)

In some ways, you've got the best of emotional worlds. When emotions rise up from inside you or are brought forth from a conversation by a friend, you know how to engage them. You deal with sadness, fear, joy, anger - whatever comes up - in ways that are perceptive and flexible. You can adapt to whatever level of emotion is appropriate to the moment. At other times, you are able to cope with your emotions in a more reserved manner. Because you are aware of what does and does not make emotional sense in a particular situation, you will decide when it is an appropriate time to express your emotions and when it would be best to keep them to yourself.

All of this gives you a rich emotional life. You are free to express your passions about certain subjects with appropriate people. But you are also emotionally adaptable; if the conversation needs to be more cerebral, you'll keep it "in your head" and talk calmly through whatever issue is on the table. This emotional awareness serves you well. You seldom get in over your head, either by opening up to the wrong person or by triggering in someone else's emotions they may not be able to deal with.

And last but not least...

A General Description of How You Interact with Others (Conscientiousness)

When there's a job to be done, like most people you want to know what the goal is and when it's to be completed. For you, that's a start. Next you want to know what the plan is to get to the goal. So you lay out a plan, or at least the major points of a plan: "Organize the kitchen sometime this spring" or "Get the project at work done as soon as possible." You don't need an in-depth specification of every little detail; in fact you prefer not to work that way. You lay out your goals, develop a general plan, and then you get things done.

You believe in intuition as well as organization. As such, you trust impulses as much as strategies and you value spontaneity as much as you do efficiency. In a word, you like to keep it flexible. When you set out to accomplish a task, you prefer to have some room to maneuver. Like an artist, you find that the best way to reach a goal is not always in a straight line. Some of the most productive times for you are the unplanned moments of inspiration and creativity that just come to you. While you do keep to a general plan, those times of pure vision and originality are what really drive you.

Some of the people who rely completely on an organized approach to getting things done may be surprised at your efficiency. But there is a definite method to your approach. With a creative flair that others may not have anticipated, the original plan gets met and there are often a few extra

accomplishments along the way. Your comfort zone starts with a task and a plan but it also requires the freedom to be able to go with your instincts and impulses so that you can not just accomplish the task, you also have the option to explore something brand new along the way.

What a difference a day makes...

And that difference is YOU!

First off, I want to say THANK YOU to my family and friends that have emailed, called, and prayed for me. What an interesting time in my life right now! I feel so honored that you all care so much.

I am on the edge of something here. Something great. Something unexpected. Something EXCITING!

Since we last talked, I have been to the doctor twice for blood tests and once for results. My first set of blood work showed many interesting things going on in my body. Most of these things will bore most of you but there were two things that were alarming to the doctor which caused a need for another round of tests. The less worrying of the two was my Vitamin D levels. The normal concentration of Vitamin D in an adult is about 50 ng/ml. Mine was 6 meaning I am vitamin D deficient. Some symptoms of Vitamin D deficiency are: reduced bone strength, an increase in bone fractures, and sometimes bone pain, and muscle weakness. This explains why I have had back problems my whole life. (My weight has also been a factor.) This ALSO explains why I broke 5 toes within one week.

(I looked like a total moron with two walking casts on.)

The other issue was a little more serious.

Every person has both Estrogen (female hormones) and Testosterone (male hormones). Obviously women have more estrogen than testosterone and vice-versa for men. Our endocrine system is a delicate balance of not only these hormones but many others that control all kinds of functions in our body.

Hormones are chemical messengers that travel throughout the body coordinating complex processes like growth, metabolism, and fertility. They can influence the function of the immune system, and even alter behavior. Before birth, they guide development of the brain and reproductive system. Hormones are the reason why your arms are the same length, why you can turn food into fuel, and why you changed from head to toe at puberty. It is thanks to these chemicals that distant parts of the body communicate with one another during elaborate, and important, events.

In very plain and simple terms, when your hormone levels aren't in proper balance, all hell breaks loose through out your body. (And mine are no where close to being in balance.)

My estrogen levels are normal but my testosterone levels were more than double what they should be. And no, this doesn't mean that I really am a man in a woman's body. Dummy.

There are so many things that can cause an imbalance in your hormones. More and more research is coming out that everything from plastic, tin cans, the pill, HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy), environmental poisons, non organic and estrogen pumped animal products, stress, and cosmetics can all contribute to an imbalance. I personally am convinced that fast food has played a MAJOR roll in hormonal imbalance.

It's hard to know exactly where is started in my life and what triggered it. I have many speculations but they are irrelevant right now.

The doctor was concerned that the cause of my imbalance could be due to a tumor on one of my adrenal glands.

Oh great. If that was the case, I would have to have some type of radiation, chemo, or surgery to remove it. That is NOT what I was expecting.

It was a stressful week waiting for answers but finally I got the good news that a tumor was ruled out. Phew!

Now I was able to get my treatment planned out with the doctor and start down the road to a new life! I'm only 3 days in to my treatment but I feel so much better already. I can feel my energy levels rising and hope returning. This is so encouraging!

I sat down last week and made a list of things that I haven't done because of my weight, or the symptoms PCOS has caused me. That list turned into a sort of "bucket list" for me and I hope to get a move on and start making these things happen!

I want to share my list with you

• Go swimming. This will mean having to wear a bathing suit. I haven't done that in 15 years.
  
• Take dance lessons and learn to MOVE my body! Salsa,Tap, and Hip Hop are on the top of the list.
  
• Get a facial. I don't usually let people touch my face.
• Spend a day at the spa.
  
• Sing on a stage, with a band, for a crowd.
• Wear ANY type of clothes I want and not let my body image hold me back.
• Wear heels more. My weight as well as my bone strength (due to the vitamin D deficiency) make it very painful.
• Speak and educate about PCOS and hormone imbalances. As I learn more, I want to share what I know. I am a teacher by nature.
• Audition for Food Network. It sounds silly but I at least want to try!

So that's it. I love where my life is right now. I love that this road I have been on has been leading up to this. I love that I don't know where it is going to go...

Please proceed with caution. This is not for the faint of heart.

I have been waiting for almost a week to post this blog. It is deeply personal but with a message that I want to share.

I have been fat my whole life. I just saw a class picture from kindergarten and I was the largest child in the picture. I probably weighed 25 pounds more than any of my class mates, including the boys. When you are 6 years old, that is traumatic. I have endured ridicule and shame my entire life. I can remember the face of every person who called me names, I can remember feeling pain that was so deep and penetrating. I can remember feeling like a part of me died every time I was teased about being fat. Even now, as I write, those memories are so vivid. As a 6 year old girl I couldn't understand why I was fat and others were slim. I couldn't understand why it mattered so much that I was bigger than any one else. I played at recess just like the rest of the kids... In my eyes, I was no different. In their eyes, I was disgusting. Over time I began to see myself as they saw me, unacceptable, unlovable, and of no value. People can be so cruel to each other.

I have felt such shame about my weight. I have felt as though I have had less value as a person, no hope to be truly loved by anyone, and that I was destined to be a prisoner in this body that was suffocating me. I have found ways to cope and not let the despair crush me. My sense of humor had become my defense. I learned very quickly that it was much more effective to make people laugh with me instead of at me. I was mostly happy but when the sadness and hopelessness came, it was unbelievable as well as unbearable.

Little did I know, , I was going to be diagnosed with a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom.

PCOS is a complicated issue that is caused by a hormone imbalance. The symptoms are humiliating and the possible problems that can develop from it are horrifying. Obesity, diabetes, infertility, and cancer are just a few of the problems that can come from PCOS.

I began dieting at the age of 12. First it was Jenny Craig and then Weight Watchers. My success was marginal at best. I would lose maybe 10 pounds. This caused more shame, more self hatred, more hopelessness. My anger was raging. I hated my life. I hated my family. I hated myself. I knew the comfort eating was what was making me fatter but I could not stop. It made no sense. The only conclusion I could come up with was that I was a defective human being and that God was cruel to make me this way.

We didn't know it but I was showing signs of PCOS starting around the age of 12, around the time puberty hits. At that time our family was enduring a tremendous amount of stress and it was assumed that the physical issues I was struggling with were because of our family situation. I had mood swings to an extreme. I was overweight, gaining more weight, and then relying on food to comfort the pain I was feeling. Even though I was a moderately active young person, I continued to gain weight which made the depression worse which made me want to eat more... it was a cycle that was more than vicious. As a teen girl, I was deeply depressed and at one point attempted suicide.

It wasn't until after High School that things started to make sense. My mom had watched an episode of Oprah and it was about PCOS. I remember her telling me that I had all the symptoms they talked about. FINALLY, I thought, there was an answer to the reason why I was fat, had body hair, no periods, and was so moody. I quickly made an appointment with a doctor in Federal Way who specialised in PCOS and felt hopeful for some relief.

She "diagnosed" me just by looking at me. She did no blood tests and barely even listened as I poured my heart out about the pain and shame I have felt for so long about my body. Even though infertility is a symptom of PCOS, she seemed unconcerned about that. She told me, "You are only 18. You aren't trying to have kids are you? All I can do for you right now is give you birth control. Call me when you think you want to have kids, we'll talk then."

I remember driving back to work after my appointment and all I could do was cry. How could she be so cruel? Did she find me disgusting and unvaluable, too? For months, I mourned over the loss of my dream to have children. I mourned over the loss of hope to ever have a normal body. I mourned over the dream to be loved and known by someone. Every dream I had for my life I quickly buried. I believed that I was destined to be trapped in my body. I had no hope for anything better.

To tell you about the next 11 years of my life would take more time than I have today to type this.

I will tell you, though, that I learned how to cope. I began telling myself things to cope with the pain I felt because of my situation. I became outgoing, funny, hospitable, overly anxious to please people even at the expense of what I really wanted. It seemed that this would be the only way to gain acceptance. I gave up myself to others. I found a way to become a person that others could enjoy. I was doing everything to scrape some type of life and future together. It was all I could do to maintain any glimmer of happiness or reason to live. And even though others came to love and accept me, I still had a deep hatred towards myself.

Over time, my symptoms have gotten worse. I might not be as depressed as I was, but the physical symptoms were catching up with me. It wasn't until 3 weeks ago that something happened and I finally thought I should see a doctor for a second opinion. (Please, PLEASE do not wait 11 years to get a second opinion.)

I found a doctor in Tacoma who treats women with PCOS. My appointment was last Friday, February 6th 2009. That day will forever be the day I got my life back. February 6th was the day that someone finally cared enough to hear me, to listen, to cry with me, to give me hope for a normal life and body. She uttered the words I've wanted to hear for so long. She told me that it wasn't my fault. I still can't believe that it's true. I have lived for 20+ years believing that I was fat because I was a bad person, because there was something wrong with me. She went into great detail explaining to me the ins-and-outs of PCOS and hormone imbalance and how it effects your ENTIRE BODY and ENTIRE LIFE if it is untreated. She explained that I have hope to lose weight and that no amount of dieting I could have done in my life would have taken the weight off.

I am still waiting to hear back about my blood work before I can begin to take any kind of medicine for treatment. I haven't lost a single pound on the outside of me but the woman on the inside is thin, happy, and fully of energy. I am no longer suffocating.

Thank you for reading my story. Thank you for taking the time to understand. If you have questions, I will answer them. If you have encouragement, I will receive it.

I am okay. I am lovable. I have hope to live the life I was meant to live.