Please proceed with caution. This is not for the faint of heart.

I have been waiting for almost a week to post this blog. It is deeply personal but with a message that I want to share.

I have been fat my whole life. I just saw a class picture from kindergarten and I was the largest child in the picture. I probably weighed 25 pounds more than any of my class mates, including the boys. When you are 6 years old, that is traumatic. I have endured ridicule and shame my entire life. I can remember the face of every person who called me names, I can remember feeling pain that was so deep and penetrating. I can remember feeling like a part of me died every time I was teased about being fat. Even now, as I write, those memories are so vivid. As a 6 year old girl I couldn't understand why I was fat and others were slim. I couldn't understand why it mattered so much that I was bigger than any one else. I played at recess just like the rest of the kids... In my eyes, I was no different. In their eyes, I was disgusting. Over time I began to see myself as they saw me, unacceptable, unlovable, and of no value. People can be so cruel to each other.

I have felt such shame about my weight. I have felt as though I have had less value as a person, no hope to be truly loved by anyone, and that I was destined to be a prisoner in this body that was suffocating me. I have found ways to cope and not let the despair crush me. My sense of humor had become my defense. I learned very quickly that it was much more effective to make people laugh with me instead of at me. I was mostly happy but when the sadness and hopelessness came, it was unbelievable as well as unbearable.

Little did I know, , I was going to be diagnosed with a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom.

PCOS is a complicated issue that is caused by a hormone imbalance. The symptoms are humiliating and the possible problems that can develop from it are horrifying. Obesity, diabetes, infertility, and cancer are just a few of the problems that can come from PCOS.

I began dieting at the age of 12. First it was Jenny Craig and then Weight Watchers. My success was marginal at best. I would lose maybe 10 pounds. This caused more shame, more self hatred, more hopelessness. My anger was raging. I hated my life. I hated my family. I hated myself. I knew the comfort eating was what was making me fatter but I could not stop. It made no sense. The only conclusion I could come up with was that I was a defective human being and that God was cruel to make me this way.

We didn't know it but I was showing signs of PCOS starting around the age of 12, around the time puberty hits. At that time our family was enduring a tremendous amount of stress and it was assumed that the physical issues I was struggling with were because of our family situation. I had mood swings to an extreme. I was overweight, gaining more weight, and then relying on food to comfort the pain I was feeling. Even though I was a moderately active young person, I continued to gain weight which made the depression worse which made me want to eat more... it was a cycle that was more than vicious. As a teen girl, I was deeply depressed and at one point attempted suicide.

It wasn't until after High School that things started to make sense. My mom had watched an episode of Oprah and it was about PCOS. I remember her telling me that I had all the symptoms they talked about. FINALLY, I thought, there was an answer to the reason why I was fat, had body hair, no periods, and was so moody. I quickly made an appointment with a doctor in Federal Way who specialised in PCOS and felt hopeful for some relief.

She "diagnosed" me just by looking at me. She did no blood tests and barely even listened as I poured my heart out about the pain and shame I have felt for so long about my body. Even though infertility is a symptom of PCOS, she seemed unconcerned about that. She told me, "You are only 18. You aren't trying to have kids are you? All I can do for you right now is give you birth control. Call me when you think you want to have kids, we'll talk then."

I remember driving back to work after my appointment and all I could do was cry. How could she be so cruel? Did she find me disgusting and unvaluable, too? For months, I mourned over the loss of my dream to have children. I mourned over the loss of hope to ever have a normal body. I mourned over the dream to be loved and known by someone. Every dream I had for my life I quickly buried. I believed that I was destined to be trapped in my body. I had no hope for anything better.

To tell you about the next 11 years of my life would take more time than I have today to type this.

I will tell you, though, that I learned how to cope. I began telling myself things to cope with the pain I felt because of my situation. I became outgoing, funny, hospitable, overly anxious to please people even at the expense of what I really wanted. It seemed that this would be the only way to gain acceptance. I gave up myself to others. I found a way to become a person that others could enjoy. I was doing everything to scrape some type of life and future together. It was all I could do to maintain any glimmer of happiness or reason to live. And even though others came to love and accept me, I still had a deep hatred towards myself.

Over time, my symptoms have gotten worse. I might not be as depressed as I was, but the physical symptoms were catching up with me. It wasn't until 3 weeks ago that something happened and I finally thought I should see a doctor for a second opinion. (Please, PLEASE do not wait 11 years to get a second opinion.)

I found a doctor in Tacoma who treats women with PCOS. My appointment was last Friday, February 6th 2009. That day will forever be the day I got my life back. February 6th was the day that someone finally cared enough to hear me, to listen, to cry with me, to give me hope for a normal life and body. She uttered the words I've wanted to hear for so long. She told me that it wasn't my fault. I still can't believe that it's true. I have lived for 20+ years believing that I was fat because I was a bad person, because there was something wrong with me. She went into great detail explaining to me the ins-and-outs of PCOS and hormone imbalance and how it effects your ENTIRE BODY and ENTIRE LIFE if it is untreated. She explained that I have hope to lose weight and that no amount of dieting I could have done in my life would have taken the weight off.

I am still waiting to hear back about my blood work before I can begin to take any kind of medicine for treatment. I haven't lost a single pound on the outside of me but the woman on the inside is thin, happy, and fully of energy. I am no longer suffocating.

Thank you for reading my story. Thank you for taking the time to understand. If you have questions, I will answer them. If you have encouragement, I will receive it.

I am okay. I am lovable. I have hope to live the life I was meant to live.