As plain as the face on my nose

Am I right? We all knew the face of the lunch lady who dutifully served warm nutritious meals day after day that fueled our young minds to learn, grow, and be all that we could be.

Yeah right, who am I kidding? She was the keeper of pizza and chocolate milk on Fridays, the Turkey gravy with mashed potatoes on Tuesday, and if you forgot lunch money, she had the emergency lunch that consisted of a peanut butter sandwich and a carton of plain milk. Do you remember those yummy chocolate cookie type things you sometimes got called fudge gems? Those were the best!

To me eating a school lunch wasn't a sign of my mom's neglect to pack a lunch. School lunch was always a special treat. I always felt so smug and superior as I was eating my fish and fries while the others at my table had a cold sandwich and some carrots.

Every year when I sit down to an amazing Thanksgiving dinner my mind always wanders back to those hard plastic trays with the compartments that kept your corn from touching your gingersnap cookie; your apples slices and milk happily segregated. As I mix my turkey and gravy, stuffing and corn together and put it on top of my mashed potatoes, I remember how that first bite tasted while I was sitting at the awkward lunch tables. So creamy and delicious!

All of this leads me to think about when I might host the family Thanksgiving meal at my house. It's a great responsibility to host such an important event. It requires planning ahead, purchasing the best food, and preparing your home. My mom always seems to do it with such grace. Sure, there have been the rare occasions that something goes awry and frazzles her nerves, but by-and-large she can pull of a meal of epic proportions without even breaking a sweat.

Me? I'm not sure I could do the same.

But my point is this: every part of the meal had to be planned for. This big, beautiful, delicious meal doesn't just happen to fall onto the table from no where, no. You purchase special ingredient, take extra time, use a secret family recipe, bring out Grandma's china plates. Cooking the meal itself takes hours upon hours to get everything just right. Why do we go to such trouble? Because it's special, it's significant, it will be a time when family memories are made and passed down.

And then it hit me; right there in front of me. That is what this season of my life is. It's a time of preparation, of planning, of gathering just the right ingredients and mixing them in the proper way. Of setting the oven to the right temperature, and using the special table linens. If my life is going to be the delicious, memorable meal I want it to be, it's going to take time to get everything just right. And only after all of the hard work has been done will the guests arrive and take their place at my table all the while making memories that will be passed down.

Kevlar

Trust is a funny thing.

I've always said that I'm not good at playing games. Whether it's sports, cards, or board games, I always find myself in a frenzy to win. Some games I am good at, rummy and poker. Other games I struggle to put points on the board, chess and volleyball. Win or lose, the cost is always small. Pride, a small monetary wager, a temporary title of victor. These are manageable and often don't cost the player much. There are rules to follow when playing any game and it can be promised that if all players adhere to these rules there will be a winner. The winner might not be you, but someone will come out victorious.

I've always wanted to be a better guitar player than I am. I really do want to but I am unwilling to practice. Why? Because it makes my fingers hurt, I cringe at the sound of notes and chords that are out of place. The pain of practicing keeps me from pursuing what I want. Maybe I am weak willed. But what is the worst thing that could happen? I would be in my house making a fool of myself and that would be it. No one would have to hear it, just me and my own frustration. It would be a small price to pay, right?

And then it comes to playing the game of love. It is a game, after all. You have to say the right things at the right times lest you appear needy or desperate. You always must look your best to keep the eye of the other. And even though the rules are vast and confusing, adhering to them doesn't necessarily guarantee you (or the other player) victory. But we still play. We lay it all out on the line. Our most precious wager is our heart.

And then, for a time, it becomes a time of either bluffing or believing.

If you've ever played cards with me, you know that I'm not good at bluffing. As soon as I've got a good hand, it's all over my face. I get a little smirk on my face and my eyes twinkle. I'm so easy to read.

I can't read your face. I don't know if you are bluffing.


I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff... everything could change. I could plunge to my death or the wind could pick me up and I could soar.

synonym

today my heart is full
it's a strange and
wonderful feeling
i am slow to attribute it
to a four letter
word

somehow someway it all
aligned
though i can't predict my
future
i can hope for it
and dream

the verse and chorus
have been written
a bridge to cross
to the other side
and now the crescendo
the build up
swelling music
a swelling heart
a rhythm and beat

the volume grows
the intensity
a quickening pulse

it has all been
leading
up to this

my song in all
of it's beauty
glory
splendor
passion
brilliance

i am because
you
are

Please read all instructions before attempting to operate machinery

I'm not even ashamed to admit that I signed up for eHarmony a few days ago. After I met with my doctor she gave me some practical advice on a few areas of my life that I might want to pay attention to. One of those areas was companionship. Maybe most of you that know me wouldn't think that I *need* a companion and, well mostly I would agree with you. I mostly am comfortable with my own company and often I don't feel the need for someone to entertain me. She said it didn't necessarily have to be a romantic relationship and that I didn't necessarily have to find companionship in a person. Meaning, a pet of some sort. I've been thinking on it for a few days and I think I just might agree with her.

There is something about having a living, breathing, person (or sometimes a pet) by your side when you are trying to shoulder life's burdens. It may not mean there are many words spoken or a portion of your burden is being carried by another. There is just something about having that support.

And for those of us who have a faith and belief in God, this need can sometimes be confusing. I've been told things like, "Jesus is closer than a brother." and that God will "never leave you or forsake you." And I believe those things with my whole heart, honestly, I do. But what about those nights when the sun has set on your emotions and things are looking bleak? When it would mean the world just to have someone to just hold your hand? These are the times when I struggle with my faith in God. Not because I cease to believe in His exhistence, but because sometimes I just need God to have some skin on. If there isn't a person who plays that role in my life, I need that role to be filled by God. But He already came to earth and dwelt among us once... and well, we weren't very nice.

So the lonelyness sometimes takes up residence. When it would come knocking on my door, I typically found myself swinging the door wide open and inviting that lonelyness to stay for a while and maybe have a cup of tea.

Oh but yesterday... I decided instead of welcoming and unwelcomed visitor that I would be pro-active and take a step. This is where eHarmony came in. I found plenty of reasons why not to sign up but none of those reasons stuck.

And I took a really long questionnaire with lots of questions that made me think very honestly about my real self... And yes, one of the by-products of going through all of this trouble is the possibility of finding some type of match for my personality. If it happens, that'll be nice. If it doesn't, I know I did my part and the rest is up to God.

But the BEST part about all of this... oh I love this stuff SO much... I got a 5 page personality report! Here it is, it's a little bit long so read it if you dare! I totally love this stuff. I eat it up like... well, like something really delicious...

A General Description of How You Interact with Others (Agreeableness)

"What can I do for you?" These words probably feel very natural to you. More than most people, you are genuinely interested in the well-being of others. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are attentive, trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in as straightforward and direct a manner as you can.

There may even be times when you put others' needs in front of your own. And you do so without the expectation of some reward or recognition. Yours is a different kind of compassion; you are genuinely tenderhearted and take pleasure in helping others while expecting little or nothing in return. For you, it's not tit-for-tat, you truly want to do things for others that will better their lives. You mean it when you ask, "What can I do for you?"

A General Description of How You Interact with Others

Lucky you! You enjoy your own company as much as you enjoy the company of others. You are a great conversationalist and thrive in the wonderful kinds of connections you know how to have with your family and friends. You also equally enjoy your own company, whether sitting in a favorite chair with your book and soft music playing or meandering in the woods by yourself. You like coming home to your family or your roommate; but if no one is home, you find quiet, solitary time to be just as pleasurable. What a great combination to enjoy being outgoing and to be just as comfortable being reserved. Lucky you!!

Because you are so amiable and relaxed, you are comfortable with almost any group of family or friends. Whether they are pumped up and lively or calm and subdued, you remain at ease. If someone needs to take over the conversation, you are comfortable taking the lead; you can also lay back and let someone else be in charge. If the conversation gets rowdy, your moderate demeanor will often draw it down to a more temperate level. If someone in the group loses their cool, you will most likely maintain your poise, and if they get nasty you know how to keep a civil tongue.

You may find yourself out of balance on occasion. If you're alone too much, you may need to get in touch with someone. If you spend too much time with your family and friends, you may need to sneak off for a day by yourself, to putter and read and clear your head of the noise of too much conversation. When you're at your best, you live with a rhythm of time with others, time alone, time with others, time alone It's a satisfying, comfortable balance. Lucky you!

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences (Openness)

You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.

You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

A General Description of Your Reactivity (Emotional Stability)

In some ways, you've got the best of emotional worlds. When emotions rise up from inside you or are brought forth from a conversation by a friend, you know how to engage them. You deal with sadness, fear, joy, anger - whatever comes up - in ways that are perceptive and flexible. You can adapt to whatever level of emotion is appropriate to the moment. At other times, you are able to cope with your emotions in a more reserved manner. Because you are aware of what does and does not make emotional sense in a particular situation, you will decide when it is an appropriate time to express your emotions and when it would be best to keep them to yourself.

All of this gives you a rich emotional life. You are free to express your passions about certain subjects with appropriate people. But you are also emotionally adaptable; if the conversation needs to be more cerebral, you'll keep it "in your head" and talk calmly through whatever issue is on the table. This emotional awareness serves you well. You seldom get in over your head, either by opening up to the wrong person or by triggering in someone else's emotions they may not be able to deal with.

And last but not least...

A General Description of How You Interact with Others (Conscientiousness)

When there's a job to be done, like most people you want to know what the goal is and when it's to be completed. For you, that's a start. Next you want to know what the plan is to get to the goal. So you lay out a plan, or at least the major points of a plan: "Organize the kitchen sometime this spring" or "Get the project at work done as soon as possible." You don't need an in-depth specification of every little detail; in fact you prefer not to work that way. You lay out your goals, develop a general plan, and then you get things done.

You believe in intuition as well as organization. As such, you trust impulses as much as strategies and you value spontaneity as much as you do efficiency. In a word, you like to keep it flexible. When you set out to accomplish a task, you prefer to have some room to maneuver. Like an artist, you find that the best way to reach a goal is not always in a straight line. Some of the most productive times for you are the unplanned moments of inspiration and creativity that just come to you. While you do keep to a general plan, those times of pure vision and originality are what really drive you.

Some of the people who rely completely on an organized approach to getting things done may be surprised at your efficiency. But there is a definite method to your approach. With a creative flair that others may not have anticipated, the original plan gets met and there are often a few extra

accomplishments along the way. Your comfort zone starts with a task and a plan but it also requires the freedom to be able to go with your instincts and impulses so that you can not just accomplish the task, you also have the option to explore something brand new along the way.

(untitled)

and i just can't seem to rectify
in my mind
what i did that was so wrong

my arms wrapped around you
and i buried
my face into your neck

i love you

but you didn't say it back
your silence
like venom in my heart

and it paralyzed me

for 33 years you have been sitting
unable to move
freely your limbs, freely your heart

i can't be mad at you for
the state you're in
it's apathy and it's consumed you

but what happened? you just stopped trying. at some point it didn't matter anymore. you accepted the cards dealt you. why didn't you fight for me? why didn't you fight for us?

i can't be mad at you.

but i am mad at you.

i needed you. we needed you. i still need you. you just stopped fighting and drank it all away. you washed it all down with a venom that paralyzed you.

i'm sitting here in this chair, my emotions paralyzed. hot tears, cold feet.

i feel regret. things left unsaid. words spoken harshly.

but the difference between you and i, the difference is that i am fighting. fighting for my life and yours.

i am fighting for the one
that will bury their head
in my neck and tell me
they love me

i was given as a gift to you but i just don't know that you saw it that way.

G4 B4 my time is up

Access to the internet has become a luxury in my world.  In these few, sweet moments of wireless connection I thought it be best to pen some thoughts.  You may partake if you'd like, in list form.

1.  I am understanding boundaries more and more.  I grew up on five acres and we had an electric fence that kept our animals in and intruders out.  We shared this fence with neighbors who also wanted to keep property lines drawn.  The neighborhood kids would come over to our house to play and inevitably we would find a variety of ways to amuse ourselves.  One of these ways was ripping up ferns and foliage from the ground and draping it over the electric fence to see what would happen.  Often we would come back the next morning to find our collection of greenery shriveled up and brown in color.  We probably did this five or six times until the neighbor came over and so kindly asked us to please stop because we were causing the fence to short out which caused his animals to get loose.  Oops.

I just recently realized that I have very few personal boundaries.  This has caused a multitude "problems" that I wasn't even aware of...  I've been throwing foliage over my electric fence (and the fence of others.) causing it to short out and go haywire.  To my friends who do have good personal boundaries, thank you.  I am looking to you for examples of appropriate living...

2.  I am so grateful for mercy.  I don't understand it, I can't always accept it, but thank God for it.  Mercy is not my gift... 

3.  I am longing for springtime love.  I know it sounds silly but it's true.  I think I am getting brave enough to start looking/asking for what I want.

Short and sweet today.  Battery power is running low...  must maximize remaining time on the internet.

20/20 vision (I don't care if you call me 4 eyes)

I've had glasses since 3rd grade. I remember the day I got them as clear as a bell. It was third grade (which probably meant I was 9.) and I was in Mrs. Carel's class. I loved Mrs. Carel. She was young and cool, tall and pretty, athletic and outgoing. She had a laugh that filled up the room and a smile to follow. Everyone wanted her for a teacher. She did such fun things in the class room. It was more like being in an amusement park instead of school. We practiced spelling words in shaving cream on our desks and I think we even used chocolate pudding once... That was amazing.

Anyway, the day I got my glasses...

My appointment was first thing in the morning which meant I was going to be tardy to school. I hated being tardy for any reason. If I was ever tardy I would always come to class having this odd feeling that something great happened minutes before I got there and I missed out on it and all of the kids wouldn't tell me what it was so I was left out. (Sometimes I still feel that way.) It was a terrible feeling.

So I already knew it was going to be a bad day simply because I was tardy. But today, I had the added pressure of my new glasses. This was the kiss of death. It was a long walk to the class room with the slip from the secretary in the office with my excuse. The closer I got to the door, the more the anxiety grew. These things on my face were uncomfortable. They kept slipping down and pinching my nose.

My plan was to get in the classroom as fast as I could and slip into my desk and hopefully not be noticed. I opened the door as quietly as I could, ditched my book bag and coat, and slithered into my desk and put my head down. (Almost as if I was being punished.) As far as I could tell, my plan worked perfectly. I sat there in silence with my face burrowed into my elbow, breathing as quietly as possible. I was victorious! (or so I thought) After what felt like an eternity I picked up my head and looked around to see if anyone saw me come in. My glasses were fogged from my hot breath! Blasted! I could see very little but what I did see was her; she was standing at the front of my desk, hovering, waiting. As I looked up, through my foggy lenses, I saw her big bright smile. I don't know why but immediately I burst into tears and buried my face again. She was so sweet.

She bent down beside me, rubbed my head and whispered, "You look beautiful!"

I cleared the snot from my nose, wiped the tears off my face and looked at her again. "Really?" I whispered.

"Really." She replied. She went on, "Class, Julie has something very special to share with us today. Today, she got her first pair of glasses."

I was mortified but she urged me to stand and show everyone. So I did. With Mrs. Carel standing beside me I could face my peers and show them how beautiful I looked with my new glasses. After all, she said herself that I was beautiful and that meant the world to me. I loved my glasses from then on. (Which only lasted until I was 11. From then on it was contact lenses.) And to my recollection I don't know that anyone ever called me four eyes. I don't know that it never happened but I think because of Mrs. Carel's reassurance of my beauty that day, I never even noticed any insults from my peers.

And today I wanted to face another childhood memory head on; swimming in a public pool in a bathing suit. To any fat child this is hell, drenched in water. Oh the agony of having to strip down and put on a bathing suit that showed ALL of your lumps and bumps! And then have all of your peers get to see you and possibly mock and make fun of you? It makes me want to puke just thinking about it! And in my school district every child had to do it, period end of story.

So this morning I woke up and wondered, "what should I do today?" and after a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee it came to me clear as day, today I was going to swim.

When I was young I LOVED to swim but only felt completely free to do it at my own home or at a trusted friend's house. I was so excited when we had a pool put in our back yard. If I remember right that was the summer going into sixth grade and I wanted to have all of my friends over for a pool party to celebrate on the last day of school. It was the funnest day I can remember. I spent the entire summer in that pool with my sister or the neighborhood kids. Honestly, I don't think there wasn't a day that I wasn't in that pool. I felt at home in the water. When I was in there, I was weightless and graceful. I could do hand stands underwater (Lord knows that would never happen on the ground.), make up beautiful ballet moves, and float on my back with all the sounds around me canceled out. It was peaceful, and my place to escape.

Through life circumstances we moved out of the house with the pool. My days of swimming freely, at home, where over.

As I got older the, more I started to hate my body. By the time I was 13, the idea of getting in a bathing suit was a joke. I laughed when my friends would suggest a birthday party at the city pool, as if I was too cool for that. Secretly, I longed to be weightless and graceful again. Once or twice I might have put on a pair of shorts and tank top and slip into some water somewhere. It was never the same though. I hated the fact that I was fat: the grace and weightlessness where gone.

But today was a day to reclaim that love and dream of mine. I announced my intentions on the Internet as a safety net so I couldn't talk myself out of it. I checked the schedule at the YMCA and then was off to buy a suit to swim in.

When I got to the locker room at the Y and smelled the chlorine, the terror set in. As I looked around I saw all kinds of bodies of varying shapes, sizes, and colors. Some where old and flabby, and others where young and taut. I didn't dare stare because I didn't want anyone else to possibly feel insecure by my looking at them. I decided to keep my eyes to the floor. While changing into my suit was a lot of positive self talking and very little looking at myself in the mirror. I didn't want to see what I was sure everyone else could and did see, my round squishy body with lumps and bumps for all to see.

The plan was to leave my contacts in and wear goggles but man, those things hurt my face! They suctioned to me and didn't want to let go. No goggles. They had to go. So the contacts came out which meant everything from there on out was going to be a big blur. I wasn't too excited about that but I didn't want to turn back now.

Bathing suit on, contacts out, hair in a pony tail, towel covering me up. Deep breaths. I was ready for this. However, I didn't anticipate that I was going to have to drop my towel pool side and slither into the water. That was the hardest thing I had to do. But I did it. And the only way I did it was because I couldn't see if the other swimmers in the water were watching or not. There were just too fuzzy. I could sort of tell if their head was turned in my general direction but I had no idea what their eyes were on. The only person I knew was looking at me was the lifeguard. I can't blame her, it's her job to make sure we are safe.

It was like heaven. I swam for over an hour. Breast stroke, back stroke, butterfly... it all came right back to me. I did underwater handstands, kicked and moved my body in ways that I had long since forgotten. I was weightless and graceful again.

As I was changing in the locker room I decided that people are not watching me as closely as I think they are. Mostly when they look they aren't seeing me with 20/20 vision of judgement like I assumed. Everyone is too busy wrapping themselves in a towel, hoping their lumps and bumps won't be seen by the rest of us. So I stepped back from the mirror, still with no contacts, and looked at the girl with the squishy body. I think I finally got it. I was the only one looking at myself with 20/20 vision of judgement and criticism, shame and disgust.

And in that moment tears came. Not tears of sorrow or sadness, but tears of love and acceptance of my own self. Tears that whispered, "You look beautiful." and a heart that finally agreed.