names

there was this confusion over my eyes for so long. i was confused at why i was feeling so outside and different from the very people i share DNA with.

sometimes we have to fight and struggle with our own humanity, our own brokenness, our incomplete and weak love.

in this very moment i am feeling a deep love in me.

i was convinced that there where labels & ideals for me to wear concerning who i am. i don't even care to speak of them because they are so small and weak. the details of it don't deserve my effort. what i am wanting to say is this: we are all going to be okay. if the Spirit is in us and we are pressing ourselves into the strong embrace of Truth, things will be okay. i have complete confidence in this.

here are things that i believe are true:

first born brother, you are an incredibly smart man and a strong leader. you are precise, sure, and so talented. i am proud of the man that you are. you are a good father to your children.

first born sister, you are so beautiful and kind. you never want anyone to feel left out or forgotten even at your own expense. your love is powerful and sacrificial. you are the wife and mother i long to be some day.

peacemaker sister, your creativity and tenacity put you head & shoulders above the rest of them. you are fearless and thoughtful. your life is brilliant. you where made to shine.

walter wesley rex. he has the kindest heart. he forgives, he forgets. he gives freely with no expectation or demand of anything in return. he is bravery in body form. he has a strong spirit and is an overcomer. he finds friends everywhere he goes. he is everybody's buddy. i love him more today than i ever have.

judith ann shane. if ever there was a woman who embodies what it means to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a true friend... this is she. there are not enough words to describe her. she is strength and power, tenderness and care, she is all together lovely. she creates with her hands and loves with them as well. she has found rest and refuge in the shadow of the wings of the Almighty. she is forever my mom, my true friend, my daily inspiration.

and while i share my DNA with these, there is another whom i share my identity with. this man has given me the greatest gift i will ever know. he has parented me in ways that have changed me forever. he has spoken Truth in the darkest hours and lead me to the arms of Salvation. lowell lavon wall, you are my spiritual covering. your words are filled with love and truth. indeed, you spoke words in due season and see what harvest it has produced.

i am this woman, with all of my complexities, because of these people. i am deeply grateful. i am julie ann rex.

Please wait to be seated

It's so distressing to not have had a minute of sleep in the night and then see that the sun is making it's reappearance. And it is in this moment you realize that, until the sun goes down again, you will struggle to keep your eyes open and keep your thoughts coherent for the rest of the day.

I will now be having one of those days.

I had a really interesting conversation today. I was at The Den @UrbanXChange helping out with a "little" project when this really amazing woman came by to help out as well. I had met Alease a few years ago when she worked at a coffee shop and I worked at the bakery around the corner. She was asking me about my involvement with The Den and what I'm going to be doing in the future. I kind of rattled on about this and that, trying to sound more important and impressive than I really am. Most of the things I said I was going to do I didn't really believe I was going to follow up on. And then this next sentence came out of my mouth and for the first time, I honestly believed that it would actually happened. I didn't get that sick-to-my-stomach feeling as the silent waves of fear, doubt, and the rest crashed over me.

"Actually Alease, I fully intend on having opened my own restaurant within the next 5 years."

Oh God, did I really just make that statement? As I kept babbling on about this dream/idea, I let myself believe that it would come to fruition. She asked a few more questions about it, some of which I had an answer for, some I didn't.

I think it's going to happen. I don't know how, or where... just that I want it to.

on judgement

i'm sitting here, in this undisclosed public space, listening to two people go on and on about 'christians' and how they 'are so close minded and are the first one to judge someone for having an affair.' and that is so 'unjesus like and self righteous' and on and on and on...

(i am not saying that i disagree completely with them. i am not innocent of doing some of those very same things.)

and i just had to laugh because the very thing they are disgusted about they are doing them selves.

maybe my mom was right. if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

my mouth might not be getting as much use as it used to.

dreams and visions

I've been having a series of very vivid dreams over the past few weeks.

It all started with a dream I had about having lunch with a very notable person. The specifics of the dream are not that important really, it's more that I could taste how amazing this food was in my dream. I remember thinking, "this is the most amazing tasting food I've ever had in my life." The conversation between my dinner guest and I was pleasant. I was sad that it ended.

The next dream was just a few days ago. I was with a friend in their home getting ready for a party of some sort. We were dressing up and getting ready for a wonderful evening. I remember at some point in the dream looking over at her collection of eye makeup and thinking, "my gosh, I've never seen such beautiful shades of purple." I was so amazed at how beautiful the colors sparkled and remained in my memory.

The last dream was early this morning. I wish I could remember who all was there. I know it was family members... Laura, Keith, my Dad. I don't think my Mom was there. We were all sitting around the living room chatting and having a good time when someone suggested we watch a home movie. I sat back as the movie was put in and before I knew it, we where watching a home movie about me. It was a movie someone had taken of me what I was maybe 5 or 6. All I remember about the story is that I was being interviewed for some reason and I just kept saying silly things. All of us that where watching this tape where laughing at how silly this little girls is. I remember thinking, "What a joy this little girl is. I can't believe that it's actually me." The other part of the dream that was so vivid was that while I was being interviewed I kept playing with this beautiful pink feather. I don't know... it was strange and wonderful at the same time.

I don't always know if our dreams are supposed to mean something. I'd like to think they do. I would like to think it is God's way of communicating with me while I'm in my most receiving state. Or maybe my dreams are just a product of the sushi I ate last night?

I wish to visit that little girl with the pink feather in my dreams again. She filled me with happiness and made me feel hopeful.

2 wrongs don't make a right, but 3 lefts do

What today made me realize that I truly am a poet, a writer? Why today and not any other day? Today I was in the presence of true poets; speaking and orating about the things of their heart. Letting words flow in rhythms that stirred me. One commented that she carried her notebook everywhere she goes and in an instant, I identified. I thought, "My notebook hasn't left my side since the day I bought it." While I sat in rapt attention I began to think about what I would want to say if the stage was mine. Words, emotions, dreams, and fears flooded my mind. I pictured how I would deliver my message and to whom. In one very small moment I knew that I had something to share.

"If you have ears to hear..."

Earlier in the day I sat at the intersection of 21st and Pacific Avenue waiting in the left lane to turn. I kind of let my mind go soft for a moment, blankly staring at the car before me. I listened to my turn signal sound in perfect rhythm, "click, click, click, click." I was watching the blinking light of the signal in front of me, "click, click, click, click." They were perfectly syncopated. I listened and watched, waiting for them to fall out of unison but they never did. This experience was my blue moon. We both turned the corner and I felt a sense of kinship with that car. For those brief few seconds, we were one.

I've been waiting to experience that moment in my own life; when things are clicking together in perfect unison; when you know that things are going to be okay and make sense. I've been waiting for that euphoric sense of satisfaction when the longings of my heart are made known and fulfilled.

Tonight, right now as I type, there still is no unison. Something is just a little bit off in one area or another. I have faith for it, I know it will happen because, "He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it."

But until then I will keep my notebook close and I will write.

As plain as the face on my nose

Am I right? We all knew the face of the lunch lady who dutifully served warm nutritious meals day after day that fueled our young minds to learn, grow, and be all that we could be.

Yeah right, who am I kidding? She was the keeper of pizza and chocolate milk on Fridays, the Turkey gravy with mashed potatoes on Tuesday, and if you forgot lunch money, she had the emergency lunch that consisted of a peanut butter sandwich and a carton of plain milk. Do you remember those yummy chocolate cookie type things you sometimes got called fudge gems? Those were the best!

To me eating a school lunch wasn't a sign of my mom's neglect to pack a lunch. School lunch was always a special treat. I always felt so smug and superior as I was eating my fish and fries while the others at my table had a cold sandwich and some carrots.

Every year when I sit down to an amazing Thanksgiving dinner my mind always wanders back to those hard plastic trays with the compartments that kept your corn from touching your gingersnap cookie; your apples slices and milk happily segregated. As I mix my turkey and gravy, stuffing and corn together and put it on top of my mashed potatoes, I remember how that first bite tasted while I was sitting at the awkward lunch tables. So creamy and delicious!

All of this leads me to think about when I might host the family Thanksgiving meal at my house. It's a great responsibility to host such an important event. It requires planning ahead, purchasing the best food, and preparing your home. My mom always seems to do it with such grace. Sure, there have been the rare occasions that something goes awry and frazzles her nerves, but by-and-large she can pull of a meal of epic proportions without even breaking a sweat.

Me? I'm not sure I could do the same.

But my point is this: every part of the meal had to be planned for. This big, beautiful, delicious meal doesn't just happen to fall onto the table from no where, no. You purchase special ingredient, take extra time, use a secret family recipe, bring out Grandma's china plates. Cooking the meal itself takes hours upon hours to get everything just right. Why do we go to such trouble? Because it's special, it's significant, it will be a time when family memories are made and passed down.

And then it hit me; right there in front of me. That is what this season of my life is. It's a time of preparation, of planning, of gathering just the right ingredients and mixing them in the proper way. Of setting the oven to the right temperature, and using the special table linens. If my life is going to be the delicious, memorable meal I want it to be, it's going to take time to get everything just right. And only after all of the hard work has been done will the guests arrive and take their place at my table all the while making memories that will be passed down.

Kevlar

Trust is a funny thing.

I've always said that I'm not good at playing games. Whether it's sports, cards, or board games, I always find myself in a frenzy to win. Some games I am good at, rummy and poker. Other games I struggle to put points on the board, chess and volleyball. Win or lose, the cost is always small. Pride, a small monetary wager, a temporary title of victor. These are manageable and often don't cost the player much. There are rules to follow when playing any game and it can be promised that if all players adhere to these rules there will be a winner. The winner might not be you, but someone will come out victorious.

I've always wanted to be a better guitar player than I am. I really do want to but I am unwilling to practice. Why? Because it makes my fingers hurt, I cringe at the sound of notes and chords that are out of place. The pain of practicing keeps me from pursuing what I want. Maybe I am weak willed. But what is the worst thing that could happen? I would be in my house making a fool of myself and that would be it. No one would have to hear it, just me and my own frustration. It would be a small price to pay, right?

And then it comes to playing the game of love. It is a game, after all. You have to say the right things at the right times lest you appear needy or desperate. You always must look your best to keep the eye of the other. And even though the rules are vast and confusing, adhering to them doesn't necessarily guarantee you (or the other player) victory. But we still play. We lay it all out on the line. Our most precious wager is our heart.

And then, for a time, it becomes a time of either bluffing or believing.

If you've ever played cards with me, you know that I'm not good at bluffing. As soon as I've got a good hand, it's all over my face. I get a little smirk on my face and my eyes twinkle. I'm so easy to read.

I can't read your face. I don't know if you are bluffing.


I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff... everything could change. I could plunge to my death or the wind could pick me up and I could soar.