names

there was this confusion over my eyes for so long. i was confused at why i was feeling so outside and different from the very people i share DNA with.

sometimes we have to fight and struggle with our own humanity, our own brokenness, our incomplete and weak love.

in this very moment i am feeling a deep love in me.

i was convinced that there where labels & ideals for me to wear concerning who i am. i don't even care to speak of them because they are so small and weak. the details of it don't deserve my effort. what i am wanting to say is this: we are all going to be okay. if the Spirit is in us and we are pressing ourselves into the strong embrace of Truth, things will be okay. i have complete confidence in this.

here are things that i believe are true:

first born brother, you are an incredibly smart man and a strong leader. you are precise, sure, and so talented. i am proud of the man that you are. you are a good father to your children.

first born sister, you are so beautiful and kind. you never want anyone to feel left out or forgotten even at your own expense. your love is powerful and sacrificial. you are the wife and mother i long to be some day.

peacemaker sister, your creativity and tenacity put you head & shoulders above the rest of them. you are fearless and thoughtful. your life is brilliant. you where made to shine.

walter wesley rex. he has the kindest heart. he forgives, he forgets. he gives freely with no expectation or demand of anything in return. he is bravery in body form. he has a strong spirit and is an overcomer. he finds friends everywhere he goes. he is everybody's buddy. i love him more today than i ever have.

judith ann shane. if ever there was a woman who embodies what it means to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a true friend... this is she. there are not enough words to describe her. she is strength and power, tenderness and care, she is all together lovely. she creates with her hands and loves with them as well. she has found rest and refuge in the shadow of the wings of the Almighty. she is forever my mom, my true friend, my daily inspiration.

and while i share my DNA with these, there is another whom i share my identity with. this man has given me the greatest gift i will ever know. he has parented me in ways that have changed me forever. he has spoken Truth in the darkest hours and lead me to the arms of Salvation. lowell lavon wall, you are my spiritual covering. your words are filled with love and truth. indeed, you spoke words in due season and see what harvest it has produced.

i am this woman, with all of my complexities, because of these people. i am deeply grateful. i am julie ann rex.

Please wait to be seated

It's so distressing to not have had a minute of sleep in the night and then see that the sun is making it's reappearance. And it is in this moment you realize that, until the sun goes down again, you will struggle to keep your eyes open and keep your thoughts coherent for the rest of the day.

I will now be having one of those days.

I had a really interesting conversation today. I was at The Den @UrbanXChange helping out with a "little" project when this really amazing woman came by to help out as well. I had met Alease a few years ago when she worked at a coffee shop and I worked at the bakery around the corner. She was asking me about my involvement with The Den and what I'm going to be doing in the future. I kind of rattled on about this and that, trying to sound more important and impressive than I really am. Most of the things I said I was going to do I didn't really believe I was going to follow up on. And then this next sentence came out of my mouth and for the first time, I honestly believed that it would actually happened. I didn't get that sick-to-my-stomach feeling as the silent waves of fear, doubt, and the rest crashed over me.

"Actually Alease, I fully intend on having opened my own restaurant within the next 5 years."

Oh God, did I really just make that statement? As I kept babbling on about this dream/idea, I let myself believe that it would come to fruition. She asked a few more questions about it, some of which I had an answer for, some I didn't.

I think it's going to happen. I don't know how, or where... just that I want it to.

on judgement

i'm sitting here, in this undisclosed public space, listening to two people go on and on about 'christians' and how they 'are so close minded and are the first one to judge someone for having an affair.' and that is so 'unjesus like and self righteous' and on and on and on...

(i am not saying that i disagree completely with them. i am not innocent of doing some of those very same things.)

and i just had to laugh because the very thing they are disgusted about they are doing them selves.

maybe my mom was right. if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

my mouth might not be getting as much use as it used to.