(untitled)

and i just can't seem to rectify
in my mind
what i did that was so wrong

my arms wrapped around you
and i buried
my face into your neck

i love you

but you didn't say it back
your silence
like venom in my heart

and it paralyzed me

for 33 years you have been sitting
unable to move
freely your limbs, freely your heart

i can't be mad at you for
the state you're in
it's apathy and it's consumed you

but what happened? you just stopped trying. at some point it didn't matter anymore. you accepted the cards dealt you. why didn't you fight for me? why didn't you fight for us?

i can't be mad at you.

but i am mad at you.

i needed you. we needed you. i still need you. you just stopped fighting and drank it all away. you washed it all down with a venom that paralyzed you.

i'm sitting here in this chair, my emotions paralyzed. hot tears, cold feet.

i feel regret. things left unsaid. words spoken harshly.

but the difference between you and i, the difference is that i am fighting. fighting for my life and yours.

i am fighting for the one
that will bury their head
in my neck and tell me
they love me

i was given as a gift to you but i just don't know that you saw it that way.

G4 B4 my time is up

Access to the internet has become a luxury in my world.  In these few, sweet moments of wireless connection I thought it be best to pen some thoughts.  You may partake if you'd like, in list form.

1.  I am understanding boundaries more and more.  I grew up on five acres and we had an electric fence that kept our animals in and intruders out.  We shared this fence with neighbors who also wanted to keep property lines drawn.  The neighborhood kids would come over to our house to play and inevitably we would find a variety of ways to amuse ourselves.  One of these ways was ripping up ferns and foliage from the ground and draping it over the electric fence to see what would happen.  Often we would come back the next morning to find our collection of greenery shriveled up and brown in color.  We probably did this five or six times until the neighbor came over and so kindly asked us to please stop because we were causing the fence to short out which caused his animals to get loose.  Oops.

I just recently realized that I have very few personal boundaries.  This has caused a multitude "problems" that I wasn't even aware of...  I've been throwing foliage over my electric fence (and the fence of others.) causing it to short out and go haywire.  To my friends who do have good personal boundaries, thank you.  I am looking to you for examples of appropriate living...

2.  I am so grateful for mercy.  I don't understand it, I can't always accept it, but thank God for it.  Mercy is not my gift... 

3.  I am longing for springtime love.  I know it sounds silly but it's true.  I think I am getting brave enough to start looking/asking for what I want.

Short and sweet today.  Battery power is running low...  must maximize remaining time on the internet.